One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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