She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
