the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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