Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
