so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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