My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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