My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dear god my vagina.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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