I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
