what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
