You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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