oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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