Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
