I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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