your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
