the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
