Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
