the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
you traded sex for a burrito?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
