My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
is that a dick in a sweater?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
