why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
