The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
