I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Congratulations! We have a period
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
