No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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