She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
