Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
