bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
