i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We are all done wearing pants today
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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