I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
