IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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