The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
