he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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