he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
