Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
