I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
She bit a glass in half.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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