Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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