While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Be still, my beating vagina.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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