I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
