I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
