My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Randomize
