its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
