He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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