Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I feel great
I just peed on a car
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
