Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
