I like to think it a success when the cops are called
They should really pass out barf bags in church
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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