8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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