we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
