i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
