I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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