this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
