3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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