I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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