So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
